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[Thursday] |
Nathan thinks that if I resolve all of my lingering issues with everyone from my past I'll no longer exist...that conflict is my lifeblood.
At the rate I'm going, I may be gone by Christmas.
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[Sunday] |
There is a reason I have spent the majority of my life planning each day at a time, planning for the future is far too stressful.
It seems like every time I'm forced to make a decision that will affect me in the long term something always ends up going wrong or things end up changing over and over again.
What's the point of planning something far in advance when my goals, my situation, my financial state--EVERYTHING in my life changes almost weekly?
Anyway,
in the past week I've switched around majors and minors, planned summer classes, lost financial backing, decided to go abroad, decided I can't go abroad, decided on an internship for the summer, changed the kind of internship I'm looking for, blahblahblahblablahj.
At this point, it's looking like I will remain a journalism major and ONLY a journalism major (I've completed the journalism major, but was considering trying to take on the photo major...again). I will have ONE minor-Studio Art with a concentration in Photography (no more theatre, I've started to loathe it).
I will (hopefully) do an internship in photojournalism this summer, and, there is a strong possibility that I may try to study abroad in either Paris or Dublin in the fall.
(the only issue being, what the hell am I going to do with my hypersensitive/neurotic cat?)
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[Tuesday] |
When did I become so partial to drunken livejournal entries??
it IS kind of fun finding them later...
Oh, I'll be home on the 24th.
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[Sunday] |
Things are starting to spiral out of control.
I'm too busy and I've been getting too drunk.
I am now a paid photographer.
I am the owner of a broken lens.
I need a new one, which will cost me almost as much as my camera is now worth.
I need a new camera. For my job. So I can make money. to buy my new camera. For my job. So I can make money...
Yeah, it doesn't work out.
Also, I've come to the conclusion that I am probably too insane to ever be with anyone. ever.
I think they can all smell the crazy.
Also, I went to a dive bar on Friday in Wicker Park where you could SMOKE INSIDE.
And every drink was $3.
And it was a VFW.
And there was Karaoke.
WINS ALL AROUND.
I'll be back in Michigan Friday through Tuesday.
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[Friday] |
cheers to getting yourself into situations that will inevitably end in heartache!
hip,hip hooray!
hip, hip hooray!
hip, hip hooray.
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[Sunday] |
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and then everything fell apart.
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[Tuesday] |
No such luck.
dammit.
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[Saturday] |
please let this work out for me.
just this once.
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[Wednesday] |
Many true things:
I sucked at everything I did academically this last week.
I got a B on a monologue, a 17/20 on a ballet history exam and an 85% on my weekly photo for photojournalism.
Art(sy) classes are way harder than 'academic' ones, I have to actually use my brain not just pump out papers or memorize facts. (both of which I'm really good at, for they take no creativity.)
I also have to leave my apartment and put myself into my work (gag).
All of my professors are completely insane this semester. I'm not even kidding.
(this may come as a result of all the artsy classes.)
I have no friends here, and it's becoming more evident as I have no idea who to live with next year.
The fact that I have 5 more semesters to get through at this school terrifies me.
I turn 20 in a week, and I worry constantly that I'm wasting my youth.
The only thing that gets me through the day is A) knowing that eventually this semester will be over and I'll be back in Michigan with the people I love. B) The hope that maaaayyyybeee things will work out for me with a certain someone in due time (Ahaha).
I quit smoking over a month ago.
I've only had one cigarette since the semester started, and it was when Abby and Erica visited and I was drunk.
(therefore, it doesn't count.)
I am not living the college experience, in fact, I think I'm living exactly the opposite.
I don't go out, I rarely drink, I don't do drugs, I don't get laid...
I sleep, I study, I go to rehearsal, I got to class, I sleep, I study...
sometimes I watch movies, sometimes I go out to dinner, sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm 45 years old.
Oh, and living in Chicago isn't very fun when you've got nobody to experience it with.
(WAHHHHH-WAHHHHHH)
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| Guess what? |
[Saturday] |
I think I'm going back to Michigan for the summer.
Chicago is just so expensive and I won't be able to stay here unless I have at least 2 other people to live with (and as of now I have none).
I just have this feeling it's going to be a lot of work for no real reward.
It'd be different if I had some sort of internship or a lot of friends staying, but as of now I have no friends staying and I won't have time for an internship because I'll have to have two well-paying jobs.
(and who knows if I'll be able to find that?)
Anyway, I'd like to live in Royal Oak or Ferndale.
Perfect scenario: I move in with Erica on Gainsborough and find a job downtown.
I'd be paying probably $400 or $500 less in rent than I would in Chicago, I could walk to work, and I would be close to my family.
uggghhh.
It's just such a hard decisions.
I just don't think I'll even get to participate in the good parts of being in Chicago in the summer because I'll never have any time or money.
But at the same time.....
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[Monday] |
Aside from a few days of feeling down in the dumps, break was absolutely wonderful.
I miss everyone already, but I am feeling really positive about this semester.
I've changed my schedule about a ZILLION times, but I think I'm happy with it/it will work now.
I'm taking a ballet class as of this morning. :)
I watched Billy Elliot over break and it made me realize how much I missed it.
So I'm getting back on the wagon.
Today I had Intro to Buddhism which I know I'm going to enjoy.
(The professor was born and raised Buddhist and he's pretty adorable little old man.)
And I had my acting class, which is going to be incredibly hard and was super scary.
:)
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[Tuesday] |
Being home has been fun, and I've yet to feel the pull of Chicago.
This is the longest I've been home without getting incredibly annoyed/depressed/desperate to get back out.
I don't know if it's because I'm not working at Signal, or if it's because I'm now realizing that my time home is precious, everyone I love is in Michigan and I'll rarely be seeing them for..well...the rest of my life, possibly?
Speaking of love...
Nah, nevermind.
Oh, a few days ago I told all my woes to some drunk guy on the internet that I didn't know.
(he's from Illinois and he added me on facebook because we both had humanism as our religion)
We have become venting stations for one another.
I've been talking to ever since.
stupid.
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| broken record |
[Tuesday] |
me: Hey mom, guess what? My DSTP (Dramatic Structures and Theatrical Processes) teacher asked me if she could keep a copy of my last essay for her files today, isn't that cool?
mom: Wow, see Sarah it's always your writing--they always like your writing, why can't you just stick with that? Why do you have to do photography?
Why, oh why does my mother think that journalism/writing is any more practical a career than photography?!!!
I don't get it.
Plus I'm doing both, I don't know what she's worried about!
it drives me insaneee
shr'lknshr'nkshrn'
(I apologize for the recent increase in whiny livejournal entries, it's a good way to procrastinate during finals.)
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[Monday] |
I'm home in less than two weeeeeekkkssss
I have an awful stomachache,
I thought the avocado on my sandwich tasted weird.
My roommate (Roxy) is being a fucking cunt.
Yes, cunt.
She seems to think that her finals, because she is *~*pReMeD*~* and therefor lyke, so much smarter than me, are more important than mine, and that this gives her the right to act like she owns the entire room and like a total bitch.
I mean, I'm just a lowly journalism/art(s) student after all, there's no way I could possibly have any real work to do.
I want to rip her fucking face off.
me: hey, can I switch lamps with you? I can't see well enough to do this lighting design thingy.
her: WHAT OMG THIS LIGHT ISN"T THAT BRIGHT, DEAL WITH IT OMG I HAVE TO STUDY.
me: what? I didn't say it was too bright...I said I'd like to trade....
her: ughhhhhhsh'ksrh';lmhsrm';shr I guess.....
She is now studying in the bathroom (our apartment is only one room) after storming off when I asked "did I do something? Or are you just taking your anger out on me?" to which she replied, "NO!!! I"M BUSY DON"T TALK TO ME OMG OMG DON"T TALK TO ME OMG I"M BUSY"
and I reallyreallyreally have to pee, but I'm afraid to knock.
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[Sunday] |
I can't wait to come home for Christmas, but at the same time I'm a little bit worried about having so much free time.
No job, no school--I need some serious projects.
Plans thus far:
-Learn French well enough to test out of The College of Arts & Sciences' language requirement (ugh).
-Relearn how to drive/get license (this will probz only happen if there is no snow)
-Make Christmas presents (I need a lot of magazines, so if you have some please send them my way)
-Learn how to cook (better) and bake. (this is my mom's idea, I don't know if I'm game.)
-Learn how to knit.
-Read. a lot.
-Don't spend money and don't sit around the house all day.
Oh, and here is my schedule for next semester.
(Not that anyone really cares)
Drawing I
Intro to Buddhism
2-Dimensional Design
Broadcast News
Photography I
Theatre Practicum
I'm pretty excited, though having three art classes is definitely going to be time consuming and expensive.
I've basically finished my core (Loyola has a GIANT core requirement, all I have left to fill is a history and a religion) so the next 2.5 years are basically going to be acting, writing, and art-making.
I'm pretty excited.
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[Tuesday] |
I think things are finally getting a little brighter, and this is good considering I was about ready to off myself last week.
In a span of 4 days I lost my phone, lost my job, and my hard drive crashed (along with about a trillion other minor problems, like losing a button on my new coat, accidentally taking a bite of a completely, and I mean COMPLETELY rotten grapefruit)
The first two issues were shitty, but manageable.
I had a new phone and sim card sent to me within a few days (HEY, I HAVE NO NUMBERS AND REFUSE TO MAKE ONE OF THOSE STUPID FACEBOOK GROUPS, give me yours.) and losing my job...I wasn't fired, they let all of the seasonal people go because they couldn't afford to keep us, and I was only set to work three more weeks anyway so it wasn't too much of a blow.
However, the computer. my fucking computer. I have an external hard drive but I hadn't backed anything up in over a year.
I lost all of my photos.
ALL of my photos from the last year-and-a-half.
And yeah, all of the best are on flickr, and many are on facebook, but the flickr ones are altered, and the facebook ones are shitty resolution.
I cried hysterically in the middle of the mac store and my genius felt so bad for me my hard drive was free (even though I dropped it so it shouldn't have been covered) and they let me keep my old hard drive in case I ever want to spends $100's to $1,000's trying to get my data back.
Life is screwy.
But I think that the storm is passing.
I got into the musical, I spent the weekend with Abby and sisters, and the semester is almost over and as of now I'm pullin' a 3.8, I think.
sighsighsigh.
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[Wednesday] |
Last night...
god, I know I'll never forget it.
absolutely and unbelievably moving.
I think I felt pride in my country for the first time in my life.
YES WE DID!!!!!!!!!
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[Friday] |
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I hope she dies.
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[Sunday] |
www.flickr.com/photos/teacupfiles/
in case you didn't know, this is where my photos go now.
It has them all (as in, all of the best since 2004)
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[Monday] |
Tomorrow I'm going to go talk to my academic adviser about a decision that I made at...oh, about noon today that will completely alter (well, not completely really, just severely complicate) my academic career.
Working at this photography studio (which has become a lot more interesting in the past week or so as I'm actually getting to work with the photos now) has made me realize that for really no reason at all I have completely written off one of my greatest passions in life as a possible career.
I'm a journalism major and a fucking theatre minor, why the hell was I so scared to study photography???
Neither of my current fields of study are what you would call "practical," and they are two of the most difficult fields to break into,
but I love them, and I love photography too.
SOOOOOOOOO, here's the plan.
Originally I was planning on declaring a supporting major in gender studies this year, mostly because as a journalism student I am supposed to either double major or minor in something in order to...I don't know, have an expertise in a subject and then find a job that involves writing about it?
But really, I do not need a degree that says "hey I'm a feminist," that's something that I easily make part of my everyday life and the things I create.
Tomorrow I am going to go in and figure out a plan for the next 5 semesters so that I can manage to fit in classes for a B.A. in journalism with a minor in theatre, and a B.A. in Photography.
srsly, wish me luck!
But honestly, this feels so right.
It's been nagging at my brain for so long.
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